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22 Roasts People Probably Regretted Asking For

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WHY SHOULD YOU BUY YOUTUBE SUBSCRIBERS?

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Every YouTuber’s dream is to be known, watched and followed. The endless thought of how to get more YouTube subscribers can be frustrating. Hard and sometimes virtually impossible in the sea of countless videos and competitors.

Youtube fame

On average, there are more than 1.3 Billion active users on YouTube. On a daily basis and almost 300 watch hours are uploaded to YouTube every hour. The power of YouTube is colossal. No doubt about it, and the competition is high and getting tougher day after day.

One way to get your channel and videos out there and noticed is by taking out your credit card and buy subscribers. This small, effortless action can help you get more subs organically. Grow your channel, get your videos viewed and exposed by new people. And even end up becoming an authority channel/source in your niche.

If you’ve been wondering whether or not to buy subscribers for your channel. You have reached the right place. There are a few unchallenged benefits to buying subscribers. But sometimes, when done wrong, it can cause some terrible outcomes. In the following article, we will examine both. The advantages and the disadvantages of buying the number one YouTube promotional service – subscribers.

THE ADVANTAGES OF BUYING YOUTUBE SUBSCRIBERS

  • 100% legal and legitimate – Purchasing YouTube subscribers is 100% legal. And stands in line with YouTube’s strict rules and policy. Does not go against YouTube’s TOS in any form or shape. YouTube suspends channels and videos that conduct illegal activity such as content plagiarism, copyrights issues and more. Therefore, if you decided to purchase YouTube subscribers. Rest assured that your YouTube channel and account is entirely safe and secure. However, please pay close attention to the next statement. You must make sure that the provider that just sold you subscribers provided real users. Not fake accounts and bots that can harm your account reputation badly.
  • Boost your channel ranking – Acquiring real YouTube subscribers will improve your YouTube videos SEO. They will appear higher on YouTube’s search engine. However, how is that possible? Recent studies reveal that by purchasing subscribers, You can positively affect your channel and videos ranking for your niche keywords. because YouTube algorithm tend to reward videos and channel with a high quantity of followers and viewers. It means that each time a user searches something relevant to your channel or content. The chances to see your video content on the first positions are drastically higher. This way, your channel get much more exposure, attention, and organic flow of new viewers.
  • Get YouTube subscribers organically. By increasing your subscribers count, both YouTube’s algorithm and YouTube users grasp your channel as much more engaging and popular. It help your channel getting higher rankings. Your content receives more recommendations, gets a better appearance on YouTube’s search results and looks popular – a sure way to draw new organic followers and viewers to your channel and get more YouTube subs organically.
  • Improve your Social Proof – The psychological principle of social proof basically says that the more people follow your content, the more likely other people will find it reliable and worth following, which means they will do the same thing – subscribe to your channel.
    A large subscribers count means to most of the YouTube users that you offer. Interesting, compelling and engaging content and it is worth watching and sharing. which can signal to other users that your channel is ‘authorized’ and professional. YouTube users feel more inclined to watch, like and subscribe to a channel that already has a proven social proof authority. (Or in another word – stamp), which can increase the number of people following and interacting with your channel and content and ensuring a constant natural flow of new subscribers. On the psychological side, no one wants to be the first “subscriber” to something. No matter how good it seems, so if you already have an audience, growing your existing count will be an easier task, convincing other people to start following and liking your valuable video content.
  • Become An Authority– Becoming an authority in your niche is almost every YouTubers desire. Your channel becomes the place to go too, and the place to get answers, guide and relevant information. When people detect a channel with tons of subscribers and many views, their mindset tells them one thing. This channel is an authority with professional and reliable content. Acquiring YouTube subscribers will boost your channel credibility and thereby your channels general appearance. All you’ll have to do is deliver high-quality content for your subscribers to watch, learn and use. If you just launched a new YouTube channel and didn’t have a lot of views, likes, and subscribers, increasing your channels subscribers count can give you that initial start and kickstart you need.
  • Stay in the race – Every minute youtube receifves 300 hours of new materials. If you want to get your videos noticed and viewed by potential fans or customers. (Of course you do!), you should invest not only in interesting content but in making sure your channel will get maximum exposure. The competition is endless and if you want to reach the top of your niche. Land more deals or increase your brand sales, buying subscribers is one hell of a way to do that (as long as you’re doing it right).

THINGS YOU SHOULD CONSIDER BEFORE YOU GET MORE YOUTUBE SUBS

Buying Subscribers Cost Money

Of course, the pricing differs from one provider to another. So you have to decide on a budget you feel comfortable investing. However, keep in mind that even if you chose not to buy subscribers. Eventually, any alternative advertising method would cost you money this way or another. Don’t be fooled by cheap Youtube subscribers pricing rates, since providing real, genuine users to subscribes and watch your videos costs. Same way, do not get tricked into buying relatively pricey services, these can quickly turn out to be a fraud.

There Are Many Scams Out There

If you’ve finally decided to buy YouTube subscribers. We strongly suggest you conduct serious market research. And check out all the different sites, provides and what they have to offer. If you choose a website you like. Make sure you read online reviews and testimonials in order to learn as much information as needed. To assure you buy real YouTube subscribers only.

Unfortunately, there are many frauds out there since this industry is unregulated. There is a high possibility of paying for YouTube subs and not getting. The service you have paid for at all (or getting a very low-quality service that won’t help you get promoted).

Subscribers Drop

When you buy subscribers from fishy and untrusted suppliers. You stand the chance of losing those subscribers the minute you got them. Please keep in mind that providers who provide real subscribers. Will always tell you that some subscribers might unsubscribe, but when you buy fake bots and fake accounts, in the end, you might find yourself without the subscribers you just purchased because they “magically” disappeared and got deleted.

Your Channel Might Get Banned

When buying any promotional service from scammers. You do not only risk your money, you also risk your channel and reputation. When getting fake users as promotional services, you risk losing them, right after getting them. That looks bad: Bad in YouTube’s eyes and your existing subscriber’s eyes. You risk losing your loyal audience along with your bought subs, getting your account flagged or banned by YouTube killing off your YouTube reputation.

Who buys youtube subscribers ?

Many people assume that only small channels and new Youtubers are buying YouTube subscribers these days. Believe it or not, the opposite is the truth! How can we be so sure? Listen to this – all of the Top YouTubers, celebrities, singers, artists, politicians, and companies pay for YouTube subscribers, views, and likes quite often and even on a daily basis. They all are doing it for the same reason – it gives their content a critical kick-start, help to boost video rankings, improves their overall YouTube videos SEO and helps to increase their channel and videos social proof. It is a common strategy, and many YouTubers (if not all of them) take advantage of all the benefits we have mentioned earlier.
In conclusion, purchasing YouTube subscribers is an excellent lift for your YouTube channel and videos. If we put on a scale all the pros and cons we just reviewed above, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, big time. The key is to find a reliable and legitimate supplier so you could focus on creating quality content while they focus on promoting your channel to as many targeted subscribers as possible.

Why you need youtube subscribers?

Purchasing YouTube subscribers is a widespread phenomenon, and almost everyone on YouTube is doing it. It’s unbelievably hard to get your content and videos to be seen if you don’t have any views, likes or subscribers. Purchasing YouTube promotional services serve as a fantastic stepping stone for your channel & videos, and eventually, YouTube’s algorithm will reward your channel by exposing your channel and video’s content to new targeted viewers and YouTube users.

How to buy youtube subscribers?

Many sources and providers sell all kind of YouTube promotional services, but unfortunately, a lot of these sites are a scam.
Before you decide which service you’re going to use, do proper research. Look for online reviews, testimonials and site ratings. Contact your preferred service to check responsiveness and professionalism, and ask for all the information you need. These are all great ways to get some external info from other users and test your preferred service before investing money into a promotion campaign.

Is it safe to buy youtube subscribers?

Buying YouTube subscribers is a common practice when it comes to growing your YouTube channel to increase exposure, publicity and channel promotion. YouTube will not ban your account for purchasing YouTube subscribers as long as the source of those subscribers is legit. Your account will stay safe as long as you keep following YouTube policy by not violating copyrights issue or by conducting content plagiarism.

Is buying youtube subscribers legal?

Buying YouTube subscribers is legal, as long as the subscribers bought are real users that got exposed to your channel in legitimate marketing methods.
This is not a violation of YouTube’s TOS, and that’s a critical piece of information since most people think it’s an illegal act that will get them in trouble with the almighty YouTube boss. Keep calm because we have some good news for you – it is NOT against the rules. It is similar to as buying commercials for your video. You can purchase it to tell the world about your existence.

Can you buy youtube subscribers?

The answer is an absolute yes. A reliable, credible and trustworthy source will probably provide real, genuine YouTube users to subscribe to your channel. Real subscribers added to your channel subs counter can improve both your social proof and search engine rankings as explained above.

Alexandra Daddario Hot Pictures On The Internet You Should See

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One in every of many sexiest and hot women in Hollywood, Alexandra Daddario is thought for her scorching roles throughout the movie like Baywatch. Throughout which her enticing swimsuit appears elevate the heartbeat of many. Alexandra Daddario Instagram is flooded alongside along with her bikini-perfect physique footage. On the time of penning this submit, she has 9.Three million followers, who’re attracted because of the enticing topless pictures that she posts typically. It is potential you will not discover out about her loads so proper right here is temporary Alexandra Daddario biography:-

Alexandra Daddario is hot an American actress and model. She was born on 16 March 1986 (age 32 years). New York Metropolis, New York, United States. Daddario made her TV debut on the age of 16 when she carried out victimized teen Laurie Lewis throughout the ABC daytime cleansing cleaning soap opera All My Children. Her first predominant operate was as Annabeth Chase throughout the fantasy journey film Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010). She has been part of many music motion pictures of well-known artics like Take into consideration Dragons – Radioactive and Maroon 5 – Wait.

There is no doubt that Alexandra hotness drives all people crazy significantly her blue eyes. She has accomplished many naked and semi-nude scene in movies and TV reveals. You could see her scorching effectivity in True Detective. Alexandra Daddario Baywatch operate is what all people loves and because of in fashion demand, we now have compiled various the hottest Alexandra Daddario footage. We now have collected these pictures from many sources like her Instagram and Alexandra Daddario photoshoot from magazines. Alexandra Daddario nude footage often should not included nevertheless you will love Alexandra Daddario bikini footage.

Moreover, See- Girls In Short Skirts – Top Hot Ladies Skirts Photos

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Now you have to know why we talked about that Alexandra Daddario has the best physique in Hollywood. Be certain that to attempt The 29 Hottest Pictures of Katy Perry in a Bikini.

Girls In Short Skirts – Top Hot Ladies Skirts Photos

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Most males will let you know that there’s something that’s at all times goes to be interesting about ladies in skirts. It is because there’s something so usually female, and interesting about ladies and girls in skirts.

A lot of individuals discuss ladies sporting pants, Skirts and different sort of outfits  

All the feminine curves ranging. From the road of the bosom to the hip and waist and all the way down to the legs. This is truth. Although the style situation has gone by so many adjustments.

Girls in short skirt has stood the check of time.

By this time it’s essential to have concluded that the skirt. Is the one thing that must be a part of your wardrobe.

Check also Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction

And it is best to know extra in regard to the sorts of skirts. That you would be able to put on. Whereas we’re speaking about skirts, then, the subject has to come back to ladies briefly skirts.

That is so as a result of a lady in a brief skirt exhibits off her slender and powerful legs to one of the best benefits. A lady could gown casually, however, nonetheless look nice as a result of she has proper touches down pat.

Touches like peasant blouses and different assorted touches go a good distance in guaranteeing that you feel and look good. Also, find some new ideas of hot winter outfits. adies sporting pants and different sort of outfits.

Beautiful Photos with Hot Ladies In Short Skirts

That is why when you choose to go with a skirt as the choice of outfit for a particular occasion, then you need to give a lot of thought to the kind of top you will wear with the skirt. This must be chosen after due consideration to the short skirt itself.

However also needs to embody the sort of physique you have got, the impression you wish to create and the event that you’re dressing up for.

Look also 10+ “Game Of Thrones” Actors With Their Partners

Just check this list with Hot and Top Photos with Girls in Short Skirts.

Important suggestions are given right here:

To make sure that you look actually good once you put on a skirt; do observe the following pointers to make sure that:

Beautiful Examples Of Girls In Short Skirts
example girl with perfect legs in skirt

Fundamentals first: 

Good legs: One of many fundamental issues. Remember once you put on a short skirt is to make sure that your legs are toned and groomed. It is because once you put on a skirt the legs are uncovered and having flabby or furry legs can feel and appear terrible.

 Girls In Short Skirts

Good long shoes for short skirts.

Shoes matched to the skirts is one of the key issues. Depending on the type of the skirt, you can dress up high heels, high boots or other high-waisted shoes.

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Visit too +30 Hot & Sexy Girls In Short Shorts

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Size does matter:

In the case of short or long skirts. There are various lengths to them and never all work for all women and girls. It’s important that you recognize what size of skirt works to your physique kind and the kind of event you’re dressing for like cute hipster outfits.

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Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction

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Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction on internet. List collection with best pics.

Women have come back a protracted approach in an exceedingly very short quantity of your time. Once it involves being recognized as athletes which will perform at the very best of levels. Nice example of this can be that, at the Olympics, medals for men and ladies area unit definitely worth the same. However, there’s still a protracted thanks to go.

The best (female) wardrobe malfunctions in sports

It doesn’t matter that culture you come back from. Still arduous for girls competitions to draw audiences as massive as their corresponding male competitions. Maybe the sole thought sport wherever we regularly see the women’s game obtaining a lot of attention than the men’s is volleyball. yet, this can be a niche that may presumably be bridged someday within the future.

Check also Funny Memes of The Day

However, as they need evolved among the globe of sports, ladies conjointly had to find out to cope with some unfortunate mishaps that men are wont to since they started enjoying sports. Athletes area unit celebrated folks, and celebrated folks area unit featured within the media and talked regarding far more than regular people.

And being within the spotlight implies that any very little mishap which will happen to you’ll find yourself changing into the verbalize the city. Or typically the verbalize the globe. That sounds pretty shuddery, right?

Atrocious prospect that athletes should cope with on a routine. Not solely does one got to worry regarding competitory at the very best level. However you furthermore may got to worry regarding the prospect of your vesture obtaining torn up that may land you on the front page of each tabloid round the country.

Since that’s a part of the sport, here area unit twenty of the foremost embarrassing photos of feminine athletes ever taken.

Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction

Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction

Olympics wardrobe malfunction photos hot

Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction
Best Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe on Internet https://pense.lol Photo information: Film type: 135. Film manufacturer: Fuji. Film name: Fuji Astia. Alias: RAP 100F. Grain: RMS 7. Developer: XTOL. Process: E-6. Developer maker: Kodak. Exposure number: 1.

Tennis wardrobe malfunction

Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction
Best Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe on Internet https://pense.lol Photo information: Film type: 135. Film manufacturer: Fuji. Film name: Fuji Astia. Alias: RAP 100F. Grain: RMS 7. Developer: XTOL. Process: E-6. Developer maker: Kodak. Exposure number: 1.

Volleyball female wardrobe malfunction

Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction
Best Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe on Internet https://pense.lol Photo information: Film type: 135. Film manufacturer: Fuji. Film name: Fuji Astia. Alias: RAP 100F. Grain: RMS 7. Developer: XTOL. Process: E-6. Developer maker: Kodak. Exposure number: 1.

Olympic Wardrobe Malfunctions

Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction
Best Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe on Internet https://pense.lol Photo information: Film type: 135. Film manufacturer: Fuji. Film name: Fuji Astia. Alias: RAP 100F. Grain: RMS 7. Developer: XTOL. Process: E-6. Developer maker: Kodak. Exposure number: 1.

Miami beach wardrobe malfunction

Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction
Best Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe on Internet https://pense.lol Photo information: Film type: 135. Film manufacturer: Fuji. Film name: Fuji Astia. Alias: RAP 100F. Grain: RMS 7. Developer: XTOL. Process: E-6. Developer maker: Kodak. Exposure number: 1.

Tennis Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction

Best Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe on Internet https://pense.lol Photo information: Film type: 135. Film manufacturer: Fuji. Film name: Fuji Astia. Alias: RAP 100F. Grain: RMS 7. Developer: XTOL. Process: E-6. Developer maker: Kodak. Exposure number: 1.

Hot Sexiest Female Wardrobe Malfunction

Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction
Best Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe on Internet https://pense.lol Photo information: Film type: 135. Film manufacturer: Fuji. Film name: Fuji Astia. Alias: RAP 100F. Grain: RMS 7. Developer: XTOL. Process: E-6. Developer maker: Kodak. Exposure number: 1.

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Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe Malfunction
Best Sexiest Female Athlete Wardrobe on Internet https://pense.lol Photo information: Film type: 135. Film manufacturer: Fuji. Film name: Fuji Astia. Alias: RAP 100F. Grain: RMS 7. Developer: XTOL. Process: E-6. Developer maker: Kodak. Exposure number: 1.

The Best Zelda Memes on the Internet

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Hey! Pay attention! For all you Zelda fanatics on the Internet.

We’ve created this gallery of the very best Legend of Zelda memes of all time. This listing consists of jokes about Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Masks, Wind Waker and lots of extra video games from the franchise.

The Legend of Zelda is a online game collection that has gone via many adjustments, from its humble NES beginnings to its polygon section to a return to simplified designs. 

zelda logo

However what has all the time been a continuing is the enjoyable and journey that comes from crawling via dungeons, gathering treasure, combating off monsters, and laughing your ass off at sure elements of the sport. 

Here you will se best Zelda Memes

Positive there are simple targets, like idiots who assume Hyperlink’s identify is Zelda Memes. However true followers know there are much more inside jokes to goof on with regards to the Legend of Zelda collection.

These memes embody jokes about killer chickens, your pockets being too full, Hyperlink being a dick and way more. Vote for those that make snicker your ass off, and downvote any that made you say “meh”.

Nightmare gas!

zelda memes
Ocarina of time. Nintendo says its e for everyone. The poor 7 year olds who played this game say otherwise.

You be rolling

It does the physique good

Overworld issues

Chickens are harmful!

Hooked on pot

Wait, what?

Chickens are indestructible!

To be truthful, he generally doesn’t speak anyway

Hyperlinks, Hyperlinks in every single place

You may solely blame your self

A Heartless Second

Cover your disgrace!

Inventory data

Get it off your chest

Just a few Hyperlink issues

Get a transfer on earlier than the cops arrive

They want fixed trimming

Get misplaced!

Merchandise get!

With ears like that?

Widespread Mistake

Provided that your pockets is full

Moonlanding

It’s known as upgrading

Positive they do

Sounds legit

1 Here you will se best Zelda Memes

Funny Humor on Work, Business, Leadership, Success

That absolutely 96% of executives surveyed by Accountemps believed that people with a great humorousness do higher at their jobs than the ones who have little or no sense of humor.

Numerous specialists have pointed out that the high strain stages of many/most jobs may be considerably relieved by means of operating thru anger, resentment, battle, boredom, etc., with a benign sense of innocent humor. it’s far well known to technology that humor brings all varieties of mental, physical and social benefits.

So if you’re the boss or manager and also you trap someone searching at this web site, do not forget this a part of “human aid improvement” or “company subsidized healthcare” and grant that employee a while to goof off here! and then you could cross again for your very own laptop and peruse this website, too! (i will now not recommend you to look over your worker’s shoulder and join in reading those jokes, for the reason that each of you can not locate the identical objects equally funny, for apparent motives!)

A lot of the administrative center humor published at the internet has an irritated, venomous, even vicious edge to it—due to the obvious truth that multitudes of humans are in exceptional stress and misery because of tyrant bosses, obtuse employees, maniacal managers, poisonous paintings-environments, activity-overloads, insufficient pay, thoughts-numbing paintings, not possible deadlines, noxious team-participants, et cetera advert nauseam.

FOUR PEOPLE

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.


OVERHEARD:

“If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.”


THE NEW FIRM

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”


TALENTED EMPLOYEE

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”


TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: you cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shalt Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!


BUMPER STICKER

Ignorance of the Law of Karma is No Excuse!
(created by Elliott Isenberg)


HOW TO RESPOND TO A REJECTION LETTER

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following announcement:

To Whom It May Concern:
Thank you for your letter of [date]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [your Company]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to working with you. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]


HUMOROUS SIGNS

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist’s office:
Time Wounds All Heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels

At a Proctologist’s door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.

On a Plumber’s truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

On another Plumber’s truck:
Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

On a Church’s Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing company:
We don’t charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.

On an Electrician’s truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts

In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!

At an Optometrist’s Office:
If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.


In a Restaurant window:
Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We’ll wait…

Sign at a Public Restroom:
We aim to keep this place clean.
Your aim will help!!!


At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.

At a Chicago Radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.

Sign on the back of another septic tank truck:
CAUTION – This Truck is FULL of Political Promises.

Sign seen at a café in Mazatlan, Mexico:
If our food, drinks, and service aren’t up to your standards, please lower your standards.


THE QUIZ

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “manager.” The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
–This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
–This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
–This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
–This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many little pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively

disproves

the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old. They don’t even have

that

level of achievement!


QUIPS FROM WILL ROGERS
(William Penn Adair Rogers, 1879-1935)

www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/will_rogers.html

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It’s this… No nation is allowed to enter a war until they have paid for the last one.

I don’t know jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.

If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called “dumping.” Of course, if you sell cheaper than him, that’s “mass production.”

It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so.

It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.

Liberty doesn’t work as well in practice as it does in speeches.

Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

So let’s be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.

The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it’s been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don’t let it get the best of you.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Things ain’t what they used to be and never were.

We can’t all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.

Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due.

You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.


QUIPS FROM MARK TWAIN
(Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1901)

From

www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Mark_Twain/

If you tell the truth you won’t have to remember anything.

In religion and politics, people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand and without examination.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

Thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

A man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.


QUIPS FROM GILBERT KEITH CHESTERTON (1874-1936)

From

www.chesterton.org/discover/quotations.html

Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance. (1900)

The act of defending any of the cardinal virtues has today all the exhilaration of a vice. (1901)

A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it. (1925)

Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions. (1930)

Among the rich you will never [or only rarely] find a really generous man even by accident. They may give their money away, but they will never give themselves away; they are egotistic, secretive, dry as old bones. To be smart enough to get all that money you must be dull enough to want it. (1912)

When learned men begin to use their reason, then I generally discover that they haven’t got any. (1908)

The modern world is a crowd of very rapid racing cars all brought to a standstill and stuck in a block of traffic. (1926)

I believe what really happens in history is this: the old man is always wrong; and the young people are always wrong about what is wrong with him. The practical form it takes is this: that, while the old man may stand by some stupid custom, the young man always attacks it with some theory that turns out to be equally stupid. (1922)

When a politician is in opposition he is an expert on the means to some end; and when he is in office he is an expert on the obstacles to it. (1918)

I have formed a very clear conception of patriotism. I have generally found it thrust into the foreground by some fellow who has something to hide in the background. I have seen a great deal of patriotism; and I have generally found it the last refuge of the scoundrel. (1927)

The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected. (1924)

It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. (1921)

It’s not that we don’t have enough scoundrels to curse; it’s that we don’t have enough good men to curse them. (1908)

There’d be a lot less scandal if people didn’t idealize sin and pose as sinners. (1951)

The real argument against aristocracy is that it always means the rule of the ignorant. For the most dangerous of all forms of ignorance is ignorance of work. (1918)

The average businessman began to be agnostic, not so much because he did not know where he was, as because he wanted to forget [his wrongdoings]. Many of the rich took to scepticism exactly as the poor took to drink; because it was a way out. (1922)


QUIPS FROM HENRY DAVID THOREAU (1817-62)

From:

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Henry_David_Thoreau

He who gives himself entirely to his fellow-men appears to them useless and selfish; but he who gives himself partially to them is pronounced a benefactor and philanthropist.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end, an end which it was already but too easy to arrive at.

[There was during the Gold Rush] the man who found the great nugget which weighed twenty-eight pounds, at the Bendigo diggings in Australia. [We read:] “He soon began to drink; got a horse, and rode all about, generally at full gallop, and, when he met people, called out to inquire if they knew who he was, and then kindly informed them that he was ‘the bloody wretch that had found the nugget.’ At last he rode full speed against a tree, and nearly knocked his brains out.” I think, however, there was no danger of that, for he had already knocked his brains out against the nugget.

When our life ceases to be inward and private, conversation degenerates into mere gossip. We rarely meet a man who can tell us any news which he has not read in a newspaper, or been told by his neighbor; and, for the most part, the only difference between us and our fellow is, that he has seen the newspaper, or been out to tea, and we have not. In proportion as our inward life fails, we go more constantly and desperately to the post-office.


NOT YET READY FOR BUSINESS AT A NEW STORE

Two European businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with no inventoried stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Asian tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick accent asked “What you sell?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the Asian man said, “You doing very well… only two left!”


A MODERN LORD’S PRAYER

Our Father, who shall be termed party of the first part, whose place of business is in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom, pursuant to terms and conditions, come. Thy will, duly uncontested, be done on earth, inasfar as existing statutes permit, as it is in Heaven. Give us this Thirty-first day of December, 2000, our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, notwithstanding claims, liens and legal costs, as we, who shall be termed party of the second part, forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, i.e. sin, corruption, greed, gluttony, etc., but deliver us from evil, the nature of which shall be determined by the court. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and, pending appeal, the Glory forever. Amen.


SPELLING

(only long-time English-speakers will probably understand this:)

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpelnig was ipmorantt! Lte’s sohw tihs to the bsos so he wno’t crtizicie our wrok so mcuh!


NUMBERS

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321


IN THE BEGINNING—CORPORATE STYLE

In the Beginning, there was

The Plan

; but The Plan was without form; and man created

The Procedure

.

Darkness was upon the face of the employees; and they were sore afraid; and they looked upon their supervisors and cried:
“It is a crock of dung and stinks to High Heaven!”

And the supervisors spake unto the project supervisors, saying:
“It is a bucket of manure and intolerably malodorous.”

And the project administrators spake unto the section managers, saying:
“It is a vessel of fertilizer and exceedingly strong.”

And the section managers spake unto the department directors, saying:
“It promoteth growth and is very powerful.”

And the department directors spake unto the company president, saying:
“It augmenteth development and productivity.”

And the company president looked down on The Procedure and declared:
“AND IT WAS GOOD!” And so the Plan became Policy. This is how Shit Happens.


COMPUTER HAIKU

In Japan, they have apparently replaced Microsoft Window’s impersonal and unhelpful Error messages with Zen Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 syllables in the second, 5 syllables in the third line. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

Windows XP crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

–From: http://archive.salon.com/21st/chal/1998/02/10chal2.html; see that archive for more haiku and the names of the various contributors.


HOW TO BE MISERABLE

See yourself as the center of the universe. Focus attention on yourself. Think about yourself. Talk about yourself. Use “I” and “me” as often as possible. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others. Listen greedily to what people say about you. Expect to be appreciated. Be suspicious. Be jealous and envious. Be sensitive to slights. Never forgive a criticism. Trust nobody but yourself. Demand agreement with your own views on everything. Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them. Never forget a service you have rendered someone. Shirk your duties if you can. Do as little as possible for others. (Author unknown)


TURBULENT TIMES

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, “You’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this?” He replied, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in sales, not management.”


DAY OFF NEEDED

A man rings his boss and says, “I have to take a day off work, because my wife and I are having a baby.” “Oh, okay.” The next day the man comes to work and his boss says, “Is it a boy or a girl?” The man says, “I don’t know. I’ll tell you in nine months.”


THE SHREDDING MACHINE

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” said the young executive, eager to be perceived as helpful. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”


SURPRISE VISIT

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”


PRISON VS. WORK

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8’ x 10’ cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6’ x 8’ cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison, you get your own toilet.
At work, you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking from the inside through bars wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.


BEST EXCUSES WHEN FOUND SLEEPING AT YOUR WORK DESK….

· “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

· “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

· “It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.”

· “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. You got here just in time!”

· “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

· “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

· “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

· “Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

· “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

· “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

· “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

· “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

· “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”

· “Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

· And the #1 best thing to say if caught sleeping at your desk…
“ … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”


THE LESSON

Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they that thirst for justice. Blessed are you when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.”

Then Simon Peter said: “Do we have to write this down?”

And Andrew said: “Are we supposed to know this?”

And James said: “Will we have a test on this?”

And Phillip said: “I don’t have any paper!”

And Bartholomew said: “Do we have to turn this in?”

And John said: “The other disciples didn’t have to learn this!”

And Matthew said: “Can I go to the boys’ room?”

And Judas said: “What does this have to do with real life?”

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: “Where are your anticipatory set and objectives in the cognitive domain?”

And Jesus wept.


*

WORKER EVALUATION

E-mail #1

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader


E-mail #2

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd-numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader


NEW GUY AT WORK

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” asked the manager. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only— Smith, Jones, Baker— that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” Replied the manager: “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”


SEVERANCE PAY

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intelligent leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.


HOURLY LABOR

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. “Labor charges!” she exclaimed. “It only took you five minutes.” The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. “Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,” the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.


DEFINITION OF SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.–Lana Turner


MISSING WORK

A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

· If it is all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

· I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

· When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.

· I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

· The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite nearby objects when I am startled.

· I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the explosion). Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

· I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

· Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about that Super Bowl game, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

· Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

· I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

· My stigmata’s acting up.

· The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

· My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

· I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

· I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by ecologically sensitive wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

· I prefer to remain an enigma.


ASSORTED QUIPS:

Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

Peter’s Principle: In any organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetence.

Herblock’s Law: If it is good, they will stop making it.

Murphy’s Law: If something can go wrong, it likely will.

O’Toole’s Rule: Murphy was an optimist.

Andy Rooney’s 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

Timothy’s Principle: If something happens, it was meant to happen. Otherwise something else would have happened!

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.–Adrienne Gusoff

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.–Darrin Weinberg

Common sense is not so common. –Voltaire

It’s not so much what folks don’t know that causes problems; it’s what they do know that ain’t so. –Artemus Ward

A wise man never knows all; only fools know everything. –Unknown

When all is said and done, as a rule, more is said than done. –Lou Holtz

Only a mediocre person is always at his best. –W. Somerset Maugham

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? –Edgar Bergen

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. –A.A. Milne

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. –Abraham Lincoln

Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was three feet. –Woody Hayes

Why is “nice” bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?–George Costanza (Jason Alexander) in famous “Seinfeld” tv show

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.–Jerry Seinfeld

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”? –George Carlin

Enjoy yourself. These are the “good old days” you’re going to miss in the years to come.—Robert Palmer

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.—Robert Palmer

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. –M. Kathleen Casey

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. –Groucho Marx

When looking for a reason why people do certain things, never rule out sheer stupidity. –Walter E. Williams

People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

It’s hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect–so why practice? Oh, alright!

First rule of acting: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished!

It’s a BIG mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.

For this life, I left the comfort of the primeval ooze?

God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I couldn’t care less.

Annoying you personally is part of my ongoing therapy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!

If you give some managers an inch, they think they’re a ruler.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.


THE COFFEE POT

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffee-pot. One morning I took it into the ladies’ room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn’t realize how long I’d been until someone slid a note under the door. “You win,” it read. “Any ransom demand will be met. Just please, please release the coffee-pot!”


POSTED AT THE OFFICE

The beatings will continue until morale improves.


POSTED AT PEOPLE’S WORK-STATIONS

:
–mostly from www.stickergiant.com

Pathologically perky.

I’m one epiphany away from a paradigm shift.

All the sane people quit here years ago.

Go away and come back when you’re happy.

This is probably bizarrely therapeutic for both of us.

I’m beyond normal.

Being perfect isn’t nearly as easy as I make it look.

Just pretend it’s all okay.

Rage responsibly.

I think my brain has a mind of its own.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I’m sorry–did you want a side of “pity” with that?

Don’t believe everything you think.

Please do not feed or tease the computer geeks.

The geeks shall inherit the earth.

Be nice to nerds: chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant around a pack of dogs.

Brain-dead and quite happy.

Why worry when you can obsess?

My life is so organized I don’t even have to be there.

I refuse to organize my life: it would interfere with the creative process.

I think, therefore I’m dangerous.

OK, the coast is clear: you can stop acting normal now.

I’m marching to a different accordion.

Fashionably strange.

Gone crazy… back soon.

I may be out of my mind, but at least I get out once in a while.

What if the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Therapy has taught me that it’s all your fault.

I used to care. Now I take a pill for that.

Normal people worry me.

I’ll listen to your malarkey for half of what your therapist charges you.

Cancel my subscription: I don’t need your issues.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to avoid being like this.

Don’t tell me to relax. Stress is the glue holding me together.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

I just do what the little voices tell me to do…

Don’t get even, get odd.

It’s cool how our neuroses complement each other.

It’s just my “pathetic loser” phase right now.

I almost gave in to positive thinking, but sarcasm came to the rescue.

My guilt trips are so sophisticated, you’ll be suicidal by the time you realize it’s not your fault.

Quietly thinking weird thoughts.

My inner child is a mean little s.o.b.

I’m caught in a vortex of unspeakable evil. And you?

It’s better to go crazy and know it, than to be sane and doubt it.

On the journey of life, I chose the PSYCHO-path!

Any connection between my reality and yours is purely coincidental.

I wouldn’t want to be normal even if I knew what it is.

My bartender can beat up your therapist.

I don’t have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem.

It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.

I’m smiling because I have no idea what’s going on.

Lord, help me to be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.

I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.

That’s it. I’m calling the mothership.


HIGH TECHNOLOGY WORLD

Three men are sitting in the sauna, draped in towels. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. Paul presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. “That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone rings. Max lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. Within minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper emerging from his buttocks. The others raise their eyebrows. With the best straight face he can muster, he explains, “I’m getting a Fax.”


NEW SECRETARY

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang. “You must answer that telephone,” he told her irritably. “Okay,” she replied, “but it all seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it’s for you!”


TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU’VE GOT THE CONSULTING BUG

10. Can’t stop using words that don’t exist.

9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.

8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you’re speaking a foreign language.

7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.

6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don’t-need-to-be-hyphenated.

5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.

4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of the great novel War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.

3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.

2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.

1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.


GIVING 100% PERCENT

I hope always to be giving fully 100% at work:
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday, and
5% on Friday.


THE SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and honour for the non-participants


HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

· Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

· Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

· Make up silly nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Choo-choo.”

· Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

· Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmm, that feels soooo good!”

· “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

· Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

· Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

· Insist that your e-mail address be: [email protected]

· Whenever anyone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

· Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

· Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

· Determine through trial and error just how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

· Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

· Practice making fax and modem noises.

· As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

· Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.

· At meetings around the conference table, bend momentarily under the table and then emerge wearing contact lenses that white-out your eyes.

· Drop meaningless and confusing “management-speak” into conversations such as: “What’s the margin, Marvin?” “When’s this turkey going to get basted?” “If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed beavers.”

· Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.

· Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:
MY SECRET AGENDA:
1 Trample the weak
2 Triumph alone
3 Invade Poland
–Then re-collect the papers sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven’t seen them.

· Decorate your office with pictures of the Partridge TV family’s children Cindy, Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your own children.

· Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom, and, when people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be much faster than that.”

· Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. After everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, suddenly switch to espresso.

· Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout “I AM NOT FINISHED.”


DILBERT’S WORDS OF WISDOM ON WORK ATTITUDES

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress… I’m a carrier.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.


MORE ENNERVATED WORK ATTITUDES

· Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

· Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

· I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.

· My reality check bounced.

· I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

· You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter.

· I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

· Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.


A PRAYER SUITABLE FOR THE WORK DAY

Dear Lord, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that! But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen.


DIFFERENT POSITIONS

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 & 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 & 60 degrees West longitude.”

“You must work in information technology” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to me.”

The man below says, “You must be a corporate manager.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”


INSURANCE CLAIM

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued… and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


HELP IS HARD TO FIND

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer—you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the comfort-level in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, escalators and various useful gizmos, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake—he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”


MORE LAWYER JOKES

(Obviously, these don’t apply to the

good

lawyers, the lawyers who serve the downtrodden, defend the environment, and give voice to the “voiceless”! These jokes refer to the “other kind” of lawyers…)

Lawyer’s creed:

A person is innocent until proven bankrupt.

* * *

LABORATORIES

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. lawyers are more plentiful than rats
2. the lab technicians don’t get as attached to the lawyers
3. there are some things a rat just won’t do
4. neither the animal rights activists nor the human rights activists get all upset about it

–What’s the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? It’s harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

* * *

WEDDING NIGHT

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God, I miss him!
…But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Great,” said the lawyer, “but, why?”
“Well, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m really gonna get screwed!”

* * *

LAWYER IN HELL

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

* * *

LAWYER IN HEAVEN

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But to his great surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by St. Peter’s desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be fully 287 years old!”


GOOD BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet.You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady than said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet” “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I’d have the Bank of America president’s balls in my hand.”

* * *

PROBLEMS WITH YOUR LAWYER

You Definitely Need A New Lawyer When…

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was “Budweiser.”

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

A prison guard is shaving your head.

Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.

He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.

He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said…”

Just before he says to the judge “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”

* * *

[A few hundred more lawyer jokes can be found at: www.successunlimited.co.uk/humour/lawyer.htm]


MERGERS AND ACQUISITIONS

In the wake of so many mergers in recent decades, here are more that we can expect to see:

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I’m Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become KNOTT NOW!


JOB APPLICATION

The following is an allegedly true application for employment with a McDonalds fast-food franchise:

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Fifty pounds of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.


TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

Did you know who in 1923 was
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas-electric utility company?
3. Principal broker for J.P. Morgan & Co., and within several years president of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. The “Wall Street Wonder” “Cotton King”?
6. Head of one of the world’s biggest monopolies?
7. Mega-wealthy manager of the utilities conglomerate that later became General Electric?

These men should have been considered some of the world’s most “successful” men of their era. At least they found the secret of making money. But do you know what became of them?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Bethlehem Steel, Charles M. Schwab, died in 1939 a complete pauper ($1.7 million in debt), after squandering some $25-40 million (in today’s dollars: $275-$440 million) even before the 1929 stock-market crash.

2. The President of the era’s largest gas-electric utility company (AGECO), Howard Hopson, lost most of his personal fortune of $74 million (attained largely through fraud and pyramid schemes) and went insane, dying at age 67 in 1949.

3. The principal broker for J.P. Morgan & Co., and then four-term president of the N.Y.S.E. (starting in 1929), Richard Whitney, embezzled huge sums to fund his extravagant lifestyle, and was sent to Sing-Sing prison for it.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, William Cutten, worth millions of dollars in the 1920s, was suspected ringleader of one or more insider consortiums that artificially boosted the stock market to an all-time high in Spring 1929, leading to the Great Crash on Oct. 24 that year; he died of a heart attack in 1936 at age 66 after being indicted for income tax evasion.

5. The “Wall Street Wonder” Jesse Livermore, the “Cotton King” and “King of Speculators” who was later blamed for having been one of the precipitators of the Great Crash of 1929, committed suicide in 1940.

6. Ivar Kreuger, the “Match King,” founded and ran Kreuger & Toll, a multi-billion dollar match conglomerate; like other financial crooks of his era, he essentially ran a huge pyramid scheme via a complex structure of hundreds of subsidiary shell companies, disallowing audits of his firm’s financial statements. He committed suicide in 1932.

7. Samuel Insull, died of a heart attack with 20 cents in his pocket in a subway under Paris at age 78 in 1938, six years after his financial empire came crashing down due to an overly leveraged financial position and after he was forced to stand trial in the U.S. for embezzlement, mail fraud, and violation of the bankruptcy acts.

Meanwhile, in 1923, golfer Gene Sarazen won the PGA Tournament (after winning the same event and the U.S. Open the year before) and wound up winning each of the “four major” professional golf tournaments (including the British Open and the Masters) and dozens of other tournaments as well. In the 1990s, Gene was still playing golf and was financially well off until his death in 1999 at age 97.

Morale of the Story: Stop Worrying about Business and Start Playing Golf!

(The party-poopers at www.snopes.com/glurge/fortune.asp say that the real essence of this story is how “happiness and misery, kindness and greed, and good works and bad deeds are within the capacities of us all, not merely a select few.”)


You Know You’re Rich When…

Your children play monopoly with real money.


A SAYING IN INDIA

The truly rich man is he who is content. The truly poor man is he who has many desires.


INFAMOUS LAST WORDS

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers”
–Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home”
–Ken Olson, chairman & founder of Digital equipment, 1977

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
–Western Union internal memo, 1876

“640 kilobytes [computer storage space] ought to be enough for anybody.”
–Bill Gates, 1981

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”


–Popular Mechanics

, 1949


KIDS AT WORK

Joe said, “I took my daughter to ‘Bring Your Children to Work Day.’ She did nothing but gab on the phone, surf the Internet, and pretend to be doing things.” He shook his head. “Boy, these kids sure get the hang of office life quickly.” –from FastCompany.com staff


ELEVATOR

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. “Sure thing, son,” replied the bellboy. “How dare you call me son!” exclaimed the outraged man. “Well,” replied the boy, “I’ve brought you up, haven’t I?”


COMPUTERS

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer on which he is working?
A: He enters Nerdvana.


GEORGE CARLIN ON THE ADVERTISER’S LULLABYE

[

Years ago, in an oratorical tour de force, Carlin satirized in a long, rapid-fire litany the advertising industry’s seductive clichés, delivered in the ad’man’s typically manic, artificial voice of hyperbole:

]

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee.

Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.

No cash? No problem! No kidding! No fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.

Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that’s just right for you and just right for your budget.

And say, don’t forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It’s our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we’ll include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It’s our way of saying thank you.

Actually, it’s our way of saying “Bend over just a little farther so we can stick [… it to you] a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable no-good [email protected]#$%&*! consumer!”


LOOK WHO’S BOSS

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $600 a week. Why?” The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?” With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy.”


SECRET TO SUCCESS

A reporter asked a bank president, “Sir, What is the secret of your success?”
“Two words: Right decisions.”
“And how do you make right decisions?”
“One word: Experience.”
“And how do you get experience?”
“Two words: Wrong decisions.”


TWO AND TWO

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job: he asked each applicant the question. “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His reply was, “Would that be ‘twenty-two’?”

The second was a social worker. She said, “I’m sure this must somehow be important for this company’s process, but I’m not sure of the answer.”

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven by the court to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, “How much is two and two?”

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and, in a low voice, slyly asked: “How much do you want it to be?”

And he got the job.


KEYS TO BUSINESS SUCCESS

(for losers and slackers)

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss–and you will get caught–your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing–they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I already took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full”–a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.


THE CORPORATE BOAT RACE

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of “Executives” was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: the problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that “too many people were steering and not enough rowing.” To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to “4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager” and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it.”

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for his poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high-performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.


HOLIDAYS

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads “AA Only” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Ok?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connota-tion to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and work will resume as normal. The CEO and management will be spending the holidays in Hawaii.


A NEW APPROACH TO TRAINING

A cowboy walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of cow manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “I want some coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, coming right up.” He gets the cowboy a mug of coffee, and the cowboy drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the cowboy returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of cow manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “I want coffee”. The waiter says “Whoa, cowboy. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”

The cowboy smiles and proudly says, “I’m in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”


AN ACTUAL TOMBSTONE QUOTE

I told you that I was sick!


RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to its founders, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.


A NOTICE FROM A COMPANY ON HARD TIMES

DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY, ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST-CUTTING MEASURES:

Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of Spam and tuna fish (extra points for those who get their tuna from a store’s pet food section) can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.


FEDERAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

(allegedly true)

· His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

· I would not allow this employee to breed.

· Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

· When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

· This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

· She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

· This employee should go far–and the sooner he starts the better.

· This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

· Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

· Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

· A gross ignoramus–144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

· A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

· A prime candidate for natural deselection.

· Bright as Alaska in December.

· One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.

· Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

· He is so dense, light bends around him.

· If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

· One neuron short of a synapse.

· If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

· It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

· Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

· If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

· Takes him one and a half hours to watch the 60 minutes program.

· Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

· The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


BEGGING

At the entrance to a Hindu temple there was a beggar always stretching out his hand, asking and pleading for alms. One day he stretched out both of his hands. A passerby asked him: “All these days, you were stretching out only one hand —why are you today stretching out two hands?” To which the beggar replied: “

Hari Om!

Praise God! Business was so good that I opened another branch!”


HOW NOT TO RUN A CREDIT CARD BANK

Someone contributed the following advice and true story at a financial discussion site in March 2009, during the Great Recession:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! The following illustrates what is happening in customer service, being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now it is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been (turned over for collection).’
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’
Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you– the part about her being dead?’
Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
[Supervisor gets on the phone]
Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given by Citibank, and after they received the fax from the great nephew:)
Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’
Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’
Citibank: ‘That might help…’
Family Member: ‘Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot #69.’
Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’

And you wondered why Citi is going broke and need the fed government to bail them out??!


RULES FOR SUCCESS

(from Dan Bloch)
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don’t tell people everything you know.


KNOWLEDGE

Need to impress someone quickly? Make use of the following vocabulary schema:


The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column (1,2,3), starting with rows 0-1-2… For instance, number 010 produces “integrated organisational options,” while number 257 produces “systematized logistical projection.” These phrases can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you’re talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!


FROM GEORGE CARLIN:

The paradox of our time in history is that:

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.

We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but “broken homes.”

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete…

Remember: spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

100+ Best Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates

Today we present: Best Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates. You can chose your best one and also update your facebook status to funny.

List with Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates!!
  • I know the world isn’t going to end in 2015 cuz my yogurt expires in 2016!
  • I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
  • Hello, everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like
  • Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
  • I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “
  • Roses are redish, Violets are blueish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we would all be Jewish!
  • When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
  • One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
  • decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Most Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates
  • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
  • sometimes, not remembering may be the better.
  • X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
  • X is color blind and trying to solve a Rubiks cube… This could take a while.
  • X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
  • What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
  • slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
  • wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
  • X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
  • People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe I’m moving in circles.

Read also Unbearably Funny Bear Puns

  • Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
  • ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
  • Dear Santa, let me explain…
  • I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty-second lover.
  • My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
  • If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
  • Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
  • Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
  • Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
  • Statistically, 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
  • ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
  • _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
  • if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
  • scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
  • ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
  • Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
More Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates
  • The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
  • Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
  • I’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
  • Cut here —————–✄———————-
  • Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
  • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
  • People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
  • Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
  • Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
  • Best Friends Listen to what you don’t say.
  • Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever.
  • So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
  • X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
  • Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
  • You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
  • Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret.

More funny articles on Homepage

  • I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
  • Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
  • I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
  • X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
  • Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
  • what has two ears and can’t hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
  • I’m not a racer….But I can fly.
  • press the star below and watch it glow 
  • ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
  • I think my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
  • Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
  • X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course, I like my own comments. I’m awesome.
  • Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
  • I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.
  • X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
  • X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
  • ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
pense lol funny facebook status
  • Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were giving me a dirty look…I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
  • wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
  • X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
  • Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
  • If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
  • eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
  • I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
  • a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
  • ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
  • All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
  • too cool for school.
  • trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
  • the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
  • –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
  • definitely not watching what not to wear.
  • forcing my dog to learn how to google.
  • kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
  • Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
  • X is Loading ████████████ 99%
  • Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
  • U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to Life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish can’t Drown.
  • X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
  • Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
  • I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
  • In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
  • X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
  • never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
  • a day late and a dollar short.
  • Insert coin to view my status message.
  • If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
  • We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go.
  • happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
  • seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
  • remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
  • > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
  • 20/20 hearing!
Short funny joke

Boy: So, sex at my place?
Girl: Yah!
Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we’re making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder.
Girl: OK?
~Later~
…Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE!
Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!

why do we need school???
music~we have YouTube for that.
Spanish ~I watch Dora.
English ~everything is shortened anyway (brb,idk,lol).
geography~i will buy a globe.
history~they are all dead anyway.
math~that is why we have the calculator.
spelling~we have spell check on the computer.

  • People make the world go around but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?
  • NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
  • I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

“how do you spell gay?”
“g.a.y?”
“noooo! j.u.s.t.i.n b.i.e.b.e.r!” (;

  • what’s the difference between puberty & a water bottle? a water bottle hit Justin Bieber first! (;
  • Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
  • Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag xD
  • Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.
  • Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.
  • We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich ! 

Me and my mom were shopping for new Cd’s and she asked me..
Mom: honey, Who’s your favorite artist?
Me: Eminem
Mom: The candy?
Me: no the rapper
Mom: What’s so special good about Candy Wrappers?

  • If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?
  • status: I can’t log into facebook 
  • A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser

*BLOND GOES TO THE DOCTOR TO FIND OUT IF SHE IS PREGNANT*
Doctor: your pregnant
Blond: *smiles* 
Doctor: your having twins
Blond: *crys*
Doctor: is’ant that good?
Blond: i dont know who the father is for the other baby
Doctor: LUCKY IM A BRUNETTE !!!!!!!

  • Did you know in Japan girls keep their phones on vibrate and put them down their crotch? Don’t feel bad if they don’t answer. It means they’re busy  All i want to know is, where can i get a number? 
  • Your make-up looks so pretty:) lol jk it looks like a crayola raped your face!!!
  • My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
  • Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won???”
  • Sometimes i fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
  • i know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling

Guy: Did It Hurt?
Chick: Did What Hurt?
Guy: When you fell from…
Chick: Heaven Awww :’)
Guy: No, when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down!!
Chick: ……….
Guy: Hahaha BITCH!!

  • Sorry, Ke$ha the party dont stop till I walk in.
  • honk if you love Jesus Textwhile driving if you want to meet him.
  • Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.
  • How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?……………enough to kill 2 1/2 men….
  • I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
  • Relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.
  • I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me.
  • I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”
  • A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby n asked…so how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?..Doesn’t bother me, he responds..actually once u get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new.
  • I wonder what will happen if Steve Jobs dies…. His tombstone may read – iDead…
  • Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.
  • I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.
  • A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!
  • Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except for a punch in the face. But we can still raise awareness!
  • One day a chicken crossed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!
  • Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
  • I’d rather Cry over cuts & stitches. not sluts & bitches !
  • Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself.

Check also Tree Puns Funny Memes, Birch Please

Tree Puns Funny Memes, Birch Please

Hi, Today we showing list of funny tree puns memes. In this article, it’s time for a witty slow word related to trees. Just in short you will see funny images with a word game that uses ambiguity or the similarity of words.

Puns, jokes, memes, humor, pictures, lol images, word game,
as well as humor about trees, forests, nature, and the environment.

Small list with tree puns jokes:

  • Treat –> Tree-t: “What a treet!”
  • Treatment –> Tree-tment: “It’s a water treetment plant.”
  • T-shirt –> Tree-shirt: “What size is your tree-shirt?”
What’s a tree’s favorite dating app?

Timber

Why did the tree need to take a nap?

For rest

What is every single tree’s least favorite month?

SepTIMMMMBEERRR!

Scroll down and enjoy this funny gallery. We hope that although one photo will make you laugh.

Just Butts Tree Meme Photo

tree puns
junk in the trun

Typical Tree-way meme puns

threesome meme
threesome meme

It’s Time to Face Info meme

facepalm tree meme
facepalm tree

Tree funny meme

doggy style trees meme
why do trees do it doggie style? beacuse of all the bark

Check it out that funny image

birch please meme
check it out, i’m turning green. birch please

Stump within the Highway, funny tree puns

chemistree meme puns
he tried to solve the chemistree equation but was stumped

just lol, it’s Straightforward Oak-Kay puns

oak kay puns meme
that pun was oak kay

Tree humor, The Woman is Pine

tree humor meme
what does a tree do when likes a girl? he pines over her

Tree funny meme – Intelligent Woman

tree memes
In case you were wondering. yes, you marle my hair

Corn to Be Unhealthy Funny Puns

funny tree puns
you think animal puns will get you karma? acorny joke will work just fine

Let it Tree – next funny tree puns

lets tree meme
If buffy the vampire slayer dies there would definitely be a weeping

Don’t Leaf Me Hanging – tree meme puns

leaf tree meme
leaf me alone

Tree humor – The Bushes Knees

bush tree meme
after giving up government secrets, bush got arrested for tree son

Shedding Your Persistence – Lol Meme

wood axe meme
I wood axe yew to leaf, but I’m patiENT

Funny tree puns meme – A Second of Paws

cat on tree meme
when the cat was rescued from tree everyone was re-leafed

The Spruce is Free – Tree humor

tree humor meme
I quess I need to spruce’n the place up before you visit

Next funny image with tree puns – Corn Once more

tree memes
Yew are acorny person

Funny plant meme puns – Ash for Miles

plant meme
Dat ash

Poor Sap about tree jokes, this meme make me laugh

sap meme tree
I’m a sap for tree jokes

Tree meme – Root of the Drawback

tree meme
Photosynthesis is in my daily root-ine

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